Love is a Verb

Well, to make the point, it should really be, "Love is an Activity Verb" (not a stative verb). The indended interpretation is that (genuine?) love consists in doing things for your partner, rather than just having a certain feeling. (So: do things for your partner if you want to be a good lover, and demand more than just a feeling.)

There's a certain loss of ring with the gain in clarity there though.

Giving Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I can never remember how you put these things! The idea was that being giving and loving to someone makes you love the person more. So if you want to fall in love with someone, do something nice for them.

On Fairness

Being fair to both children doesn't always mean giving the same thing to both. For example, Alex and I wouldn't be equally happy with a nice My Little Pony or a stupid set of Magic cards -- if we both got one, only one of us would be happy.

I tried to bring this up in class a couple months ago, when we were discussing designing experiments to test linguistic judgments. Say you want to compare how acceptable people find (1) vs. (2):

(1) She is easy to fight.
(2) She is eager to fight.

But you want to precede these sentences with a context where "she" is introduced, like "Mary is coming over, and she is really mad." That sortof makes sense with both, but it makes more sense with (2) than with (1). In order to avoid introducing variables, you might be tempted to use the same context for both sentences, but there's a trade-off. Maybe to really be "fair", you should use different contexts for both sentences. Then you could ensure that the transition between the context and the target sentence is always equally coherent.

Speaking of coherence, is this making sense?? No one in class understood what I was talking about.

Not oft-repeated, but highly quotable

"One of the things that you learn after you've been contradancing for a while is that everyone's carrying around a lot of pain."

One good thing about Christianity

is the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

Manners come from the heart

Things to Know About Sex

The Good Stuff
The Bad Stuff
The Social Stuff, and
The Biological Stuff

Mom, please elaborate!

The Index Fingers and the Kitchen Table

I only have a vague memory of this one -- please help me out.

There are two people, each represented by an index finger, and an emotional space, represented by a kitchen table (for example, the one at 403 North Euclid, but I remember it from the University City apartment too). When one index finger moves closer to the other, the other tends to move back, and vice versa.

I think there might have been some other subtleties. Like if you only inch closer, then the other person doesn't move back, maybe?

How to Party

"If you're at a party, find the person standing by him or herself. They'll be glad to talk to you, and they'll probably be the most interesting person there."

Kids who are competent, are confident.

Find a sport, or an art, or a science, that your kid is good at, and support the heck out of it. Make sure they get lots of opportunities to be good a something. When kids are competent at something, they like themselves better, and they tend to take better care of themselves - it's about the only defense you have to protect them against the evils of the world.

Least Punishment

"If you must punish a child (or a grownup), always use the least punishment which is effective."

If you have set up an atmosphere where children feel their best interests are supported, they seem to do the right things if you just ask them to, or if you explain why.

Punishment never enters the equation.

If, however, things have gotten off this idyllic track, and punishment seems necessary, you want to consider just how much (how little) will get the point across. Overdoing the punishment can generate resentment. The child no longer feels that his or her best interests are supported, and the result may be secrecy, rebellion, and self-destructive behavior. Whereas, when the "punishment fits the crime" people probably feel they deserve it, and may even be glad, eventually, that they were stopped.

People who were so mistreated as children that they cannot be stopped from antisocial behavior with mild punishments still should be subjected to "the least punishment which is effective." What it takes to be effective could be pretty harsh, of course...

Ignoring Behavior You Don't Like

I was recently directed to this article:

What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage

the conclusion of which I already knew, because mom always said to ignore behavior you don't like, and reward behavior you do like.

On Raising Children

"A pear tree grows up to be a pear tree.
An apple tree grows up to be an apple tree.
There's not much you can do about it, so relax."

This is one of my favorites. Early on, I realized that each child has a very strong essence, and if you try to change it, you'll fail. This is actually good news, because it means you have to really work at it to screw up your kids.

The best you can do is give them enough water and sunshine, and some good fertilizer, and keep them out of harm's way. But do not try to force or stunt their growth and try to make them conform to your idea of what a child should be. Neither should you be nervous that you don't know what to do to raise a good kid. Watch. Learn. Listen. Speak the truth. Hear the truth. You'll know what to do. (There I go again - that's a new ism.)